“I need to
chill. Why he messaged me? No, the more important question is why now?” I whispered
to myself.
It had been
five years since the last time I contacted him. I remembered the last time I sent
an email to him, confessing my feeling to him. But I never got the reply. I
wondered if the email ever gotten to him. It doesn’t matter anymore. Now is the
chance to get a closure for my five years of misery.
My heart
beat so fast that I felt like it is going to blow. I don’t know where to start.
The thought of him getting furious on my question is really scared me. But I don’t
want to live with the regret of not knowing the answer, the truth why was he
ignoring and avoiding me and left me five years ago?
Calmly, I pressed
the keyboard and started to type the question I want to ask him for so long.
“Why now u messaged me? Why u wouldn’t reply my messages, my calls, my emails, even my pm I left for u in fb, frenster, and
everything five years ago? Am I doing something wrong? Or am I not good enough
for you? Why would you dump me?” I wrote the message in anger and sad and
curious. It is a mixed feeling. Now I’m waiting for his reply.
I remember
him as a nice guy who always cheering me up when I was sad, cracking joke and
make me laugh and accompany me when I was lonely. He is a guy who always cares
for me, always be there for me, and loves me for who I am, or at least that
what I thought. His sudden leave without any word really struck me right into
my heart. I couldn’t wake up the other day without thinking about him, his
smile, his laugh and the way he make me special, it is a feeling only I know,
and now he is gone just like that.
It is true
that I had a boyfriend even before I know him. I met him in a college just for
a while when he was transferred to another college for scholarship offer. Somehow,
I felt like I want to know him better and the urge is getting bigger and bigger
every day. But before I have enough courage to talk to him, he already moved
out. Later, I got an offer to pursuit my study in medicine. It is my dream
since I were little that I become a doctor, a good one who will discover a new
cure for cancer and making major breakthrough in health field. So I took the
offer and left the college.
Before leaving,
I managed to get his number from his friend. To be honest, I don’t know if he
will ever reply to my message, since I am anonymous to him and he never talked
to me before, not even once. Oh, and he also in the same class with me in that
college. One night, I was so lonely. My boyfriend never replied my message so I
felt like nothing wrong to contact him. At least I try. So I send a normal
message like a stranger would write to other stranger.
Suddenly my
phone rang. It was his message. He replied! My heart was screaming in joy. And his
message showed that he is interested in me. The messaging streak continues for
about until six month. We chat almost every day, exchanging our news, telling
stories, sharing secrets but never our feelings. Slowly but surely, I fall for
him. But I was still able to control my feeling and not showing any hint to
him, be it in my messages or when I met him. Yeah, we were going out from time
to time. Whenever I am with him, I felt secured and safe, and free to be
whoever I want. I can be myself, and he still can accept me for who I am. That will only makes my feeling toward him stronger to the point that I forgot I already
have someone. But with him, I never felt this way. I felt guilty, yet I felt no
regret for what I have done.
Suddenly,
everything was falling apart. It started with his question regarding my status. Frankly,
I don’t want to tell him the truth because I am afraid of losing him. Would he
accept me when he knows that I have a boyfriend? I restrained myself from
answering that question but he insisted to know the truth.
At last, the
inevitable happened. He started to give me a cold shoulder and rarely replied to my messages. Ultimately, he stopped contacting me at once so I tried to call
him but to no avail. I even tried to contact him via social media but it was
not working either. Every day I waited for him to contact me back, telling me that
everything is all right between us, but it is useless and I started to feel
crazy whenever I’m thinking about him.
So I decided
to write an email to him, personally confessing my feeling toward him, and how
he made me feel, and apologize for whatever wrongdoings I have done to him. I even
tell him that I love him more that I love my boyfriend; in fact, I love him
more than anything in this world. And this is my last letter to him and I gave
everything I felt for him in that letter, even a scar that I knew would never
heal from that feeling.
Now, I can
only wait. A day passes, then a month, then a year gone without any news from
him. No word, phone call, no mail, and no message. I felt heartbroken. Feeling hopeless, so I moved
on. Now I finally found someone decent enough, or maybe better than him, who
treat me well, accept me for whoever i am and make me feel special, the way he use to made me feel before!
At least he can help to mend my broken heart and forgetting him, even though that is the hardest thing to do. After five years, I managed to move on and nothing
felt like changing, surely not the way I expected to be. That is when I received
his message via facebook messaging. And
my old scar reopens back. And it bleeds. More than it should be, in fact, to
the point where I turn to shock.
“Dear Liza, the fact that you kept a secret that
you were having a boyfriend is really hit me hard. It came to my sense that if
you would do that to someone else, why wouldn’t you do the same thing with me. So
I decided to leave you, so that I would not fall hard when you are choosing him
than me, and when you are leaving me. I would not allow myself to be in such
risk as I know the consequences will be dire. It took me at least half a year
to move on from the last break-up, and when I know I will be disappointed again
if I were to go with our relationship, I don’t know if I wanted to involve
myself in love ever again. My feeling back then was true, and I sincerely loved
you with all my heart, but that is the past now. I moved on, and I met someone,
and it is not working again, and I had to break-up again. But I realize it is
all part of life. I learnt a lot from our relationship, and it helped me to be
a better person as I am right now. Never once I forget about you and our
memories together, but I realize it is just memories, and it will stay that way
forever. So I beg you to do the same, to move on and carry on with your own
life. I know you have a boyfriend that love you more than I do so cherish him, and
love him with all your heart. Let bygone be bygone. Appreciate what you have
right now, or you will regret when you lose it later. I am answering your
entire question so that you have a better closure and that we will able to be a
friend like we should be. Remember, we can never be like we used to be and
never will be. Now I can only pray for your happiness and may your current
relationship will be everlasting.
Sincerely,
James.”
I read the
message a few times. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I want to cry but my
tears won’t drop. But I feel
relief. My heart is peaceful. Now I am with someone who I love dearly.But deep inside, i know a piece of my heart will forever be yours and it will never change.
P/S: This story is a fruit from a creative mind, not more than a fiction and it is not based on any event. If reader feel like related to any of the content or regard it as offensive, please contact the writer for further action. Otherwise, feel free to enjoy it :)
