Leave without a word.

“I need to chill. Why he messaged me? No, the more important question is why now?” I whispered to myself.

It had been five years since the last time I contacted him. I remembered the last time I sent an email to him, confessing my feeling to him. But I never got the reply. I wondered if the email ever gotten to him. It doesn’t matter anymore. Now is the chance to get a closure for my five years of misery.

My heart beat so fast that I felt like it is going to blow. I don’t know where to start. The thought of him getting furious on my question is really scared me. But I don’t want to live with the regret of not knowing the answer, the truth why was he ignoring and avoiding me and left me five years ago?

Calmly, I pressed the keyboard and started to type the question I want to ask him for so long.

“Why now u messaged me? Why u wouldn’t reply my messages, my calls, my emails, even my pm I left for u in fb, frenster, and everything five years ago? Am I doing something wrong? Or am I not good enough for you? Why would you dump me?” I wrote the message in anger and sad and curious. It is a mixed feeling. Now I’m waiting for his reply.

I remember him as a nice guy who always cheering me up when I was sad, cracking joke and make me laugh and accompany me when I was lonely. He is a guy who always cares for me, always be there for me, and loves me for who I am, or at least that what I thought. His sudden leave without any word really struck me right into my heart. I couldn’t wake up the other day without thinking about him, his smile, his laugh and the way he make me special, it is a feeling only I know, and now he is gone just like that.

It is true that I had a boyfriend even before I know him. I met him in a college just for a while when he was transferred to another college for scholarship offer. Somehow, I felt like I want to know him better and the urge is getting bigger and bigger every day. But before I have enough courage to talk to him, he already moved out. Later, I got an offer to pursuit my study in medicine. It is my dream since I were little that I become a doctor, a good one who will discover a new cure for cancer and making major breakthrough in health field. So I took the offer and left the college.

Before leaving, I managed to get his number from his friend. To be honest, I don’t know if he will ever reply to my message, since I am anonymous to him and he never talked to me before, not even once. Oh, and he also in the same class with me in that college. One night, I was so lonely. My boyfriend never replied my message so I felt like nothing wrong to contact him. At least I try. So I send a normal message like a stranger would write to other stranger.

Suddenly my phone rang. It was his message. He replied! My heart was screaming in joy. And his message showed that he is interested in me. The messaging streak continues for about until six month. We chat almost every day, exchanging our news, telling stories, sharing secrets but never our feelings. Slowly but surely, I fall for him. But I was still able to control my feeling and not showing any hint to him, be it in my messages or when I met him. Yeah, we were going out from time to time. Whenever I am with him, I felt secured and safe, and free to be whoever I want. I can be myself, and he still can accept me for who I am. That will only makes my feeling toward him stronger to the point that I forgot I already have someone. But with him, I never felt this way. I felt guilty, yet I felt no regret for what I have done.

Suddenly, everything was falling apart. It started with his question regarding my status. Frankly, I don’t want to tell him the truth because I am afraid of losing him. Would he accept me when he knows that I have a boyfriend? I restrained myself from answering that question but he insisted to know the truth. 

At last, the inevitable happened. He started to give me a cold shoulder and rarely replied to my messages. Ultimately, he stopped contacting me at once so I tried to call him but to no avail. I even tried to contact him via social media but it was not working either. Every day I waited for him to contact me back, telling me that everything is all right between us, but it is useless and I started to feel crazy whenever I’m thinking about him.

So I decided to write an email to him, personally confessing my feeling toward him, and how he made me feel, and apologize for whatever wrongdoings I have done to him. I even tell him that I love him more that I love my boyfriend; in fact, I love him more than anything in this world. And this is my last letter to him and I gave everything I felt for him in that letter, even a scar that I knew would never heal from that feeling.

Now, I can only wait. A day passes, then a month, then a year gone without any news from him. No word, phone call, no mail, and no message. I felt heartbroken. Feeling hopeless, so I moved on. Now I finally found someone decent enough, or maybe better than him, who treat me well, accept me for whoever i am and make me feel special, the way he use to made me feel before! At least he can help to mend my broken heart and forgetting him, even though that is the hardest thing to do. After five years, I managed to move on and nothing felt like changing, surely not the way I expected to be. That is when I received his message via facebook messaging. And my old scar reopens back. And it bleeds. More than it should be, in fact, to the point where I turn to shock.

“Dear Liza, the fact that you kept a secret that you were having a boyfriend is really hit me hard. It came to my sense that if you would do that to someone else, why wouldn’t you do the same thing with me. So I decided to leave you, so that I would not fall hard when you are choosing him than me, and when you are leaving me. I would not allow myself to be in such risk as I know the consequences will be dire. It took me at least half a year to move on from the last break-up, and when I know I will be disappointed again if I were to go with our relationship, I don’t know if I wanted to involve myself in love ever again. My feeling back then was true, and I sincerely loved you with all my heart, but that is the past now. I moved on, and I met someone, and it is not working again, and I had to break-up again. But I realize it is all part of life. I learnt a lot from our relationship, and it helped me to be a better person as I am right now. Never once I forget about you and our memories together, but I realize it is just memories, and it will stay that way forever. So I beg you to do the same, to move on and carry on with your own life. I know you have a boyfriend that love you more than I do so cherish him, and love him with all your heart. Let bygone be bygone. Appreciate what you have right now, or you will regret when you lose it later. I am answering your entire question so that you have a better closure and that we will able to be a friend like we should be. Remember, we can never be like we used to be and never will be. Now I can only pray for your happiness and may your current relationship will be everlasting.

                                                                                                                      Sincerely,

                                                                                                                        James.”

I read the message a few times. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I want to cry but my tears won’t drop. But I feel relief. My heart is peaceful. Now I am with someone who I love dearly.But deep inside, i know a piece of my heart will forever be yours and it will never change.

P/S: This story is a fruit from a creative mind, not more than a fiction and it is not based on any event. If reader feel like related to any of the content or regard it as offensive, please contact the writer for further action. Otherwise, feel free to enjoy it :)

Story About A Girl.

         I've never met a girl like her, so beautiful even an angel will bow down to her beauty. I always dream of being with her but such luxury I cannot afford, for I only a peasant of a feeling called love, which I need to pay dearly just to feel its warmth. Her smile so endearing it can melt my ice-cold heart, her voice so heavenly that it would calm a crying baby. Whenever she looked at me, i felt like my soul being ripped apart from my body but then revived again by the grace of god, as if I have looked something forbiddingly majestic and blissful.

         It was last year i met her, sitting in a corner with my friends talking and chatting. We are at a feast made by my classmates to celebrate a holy day which we will celebrate once a year, just like christmas but for muslim. I remember that night, i watched her across the room, but too afraid to talk to her. My mouth shut tightly, my heart would stop and my breath felt heavier just thinking of talking to her. I kept my distance close enough to see her but far enough to raise suspicion. I took a moment to have a quick look upon her when I saw her beauty so mesmerising and captivating that I can't take my eyes off her. It was for this moment I praise to god who gave the blessing of seeing, and seeing her is the greatest gift I ever had. 

          Day by day passes by, as I waited for a chance to meet her again for I kept thinking about her all the time. My lonely heart was screaming and shouting to me to fill the void left by my past life and stitch the wound that still bled. Finally, the chance came and I knew i am not going to let it wasted. It was that evening something bad happen, something life-changing which I afraid may alter her perspective toward me. She never really knew me and spoke to me but for me, to love and admire her secretly is already delightful and enough, why would I change that? Turning the neutrality into hatred would be the last thing I want.

           I know I have to fix this. I know I can. I have made a mistake so I got to take the responsibility. At first, I scared to death knowing that something bad will happen to her and she might hate me for the rest of her life so I prayed and prayed so that nothing bad will ever happen to her. And then, I saw a glimpse of hope as she started to recover. She glad that I am on her side, taking care of her and accompany her when she was ill. 

           Every time we were together, we laughed at each other jokes, we shared stories, we talked about our day, and we even shared our pain and sorrow. It felt like we complement each other perfectly, but everytime i think about it, I feel that there is a wall, so thick and tall which prevent us from getting together, the wall that I cannot breach, not with my current state. The wall is getting wider and wider, setting a great distance between us, so far that even her voice cannot reach me. Only the memory of us, the ghost of her reside in my head, which I intend to keep if ever the wall crumble down and we will be reunited again as we are supposed to be.

           And now, I can only wait while I build and muster my strength so that one day, I am strong enough to be able to wreck those wall down, and let her into my life again. All I want is to see her laugh, her smile, listen to her stories and her jokes again and by that time, I won't let her slip away, not ever, forever again.

P/S : This is only fiction, not related to anyone either the living or the dead. Just enjoy as it is intended to be :). Have a good day.